At the time of separation, you can feel like you are losing everything, your home, your relationship, your financial security and most heart wrenching of all …. loss of time with your children!
You can become consumed with the belief that it is only fair that the shared parenting is 50/50%, but you need to ask yourself who is it fair for? If you answer for the parent, then you are not considering what is fair for the child. Children need to feel secure that their needs will continue to be met, otherwise it can create anxiety, stress and insecurity.
We only have to look at our parents and grandparents’ roles in the family to see how parenting roles have changed over time. Grandfathers post war era were the financial breadwinners to rebuild financial security, having to work long hours to provide for their families. Grandmothers were the primary carers and homemakers.
By the mid 1970’s a societal transformation was underway as women entered the workforce and by the 1980’s men were starting to be present at the birth of their children and became more emotionally and physically present in their children’s lives[1].
By the 1990’s and 2000’s fathers wanted to be more involved with their children and found it difficult to meet the expectations of work and family life[2].
Today, parenting roles have become more interchangeable whereby mothers have sought careers or been required to work to provide two sources of income to support the family. This then required parents to share the load of parenting and homemaker roles. That is why it is so important to reflect on the pre-separation parenting of your family when considering what the ongoing shared parenting will be in the best interests of your children.
Reflect on your roles in the family prior to separation, it may have been.
Dad as the primary financial provider and mum not in the workforce being a stay-at-home mum, caring for the children and doing the homemaker role.
Dad as the primary financial provider working full time and mum working part time and predominantly still taking care of the children and homemaker duties
Both parents working full time with children at daycare or school and the mother doing the homemaker and care of the children when at home
Both parents working full time with children at daycare or school and both parents sharing the care of the children and homemaker duties
Even with the above simple categories, there are variables that need to be considered. Dad may have come home from work late and had minimal time caring for the children or making meals during the week, but on weekends did a hands-on role of caring for the kids and doing household chores. Some Dad’s may have jobs that start early or are able to work from home giving them the flexibility to pick the kids up from school, take them to soccer training, put a load of washing on and start cooking dinner. There may also be Dad’s that are at home but not actively involved in the care of the children or homemaker duties so not engaged actively in their children’s lives. That is why an in depth look at how your family functioned is key to determining what care your children relied upon so they feel secure that their needs will still be met post separation.
So, once you determine what the pre-separation parenting was in your family, you can then ascertain whether 50/50 shared parenting will be suitable for your children. Now that doesn’t mean that if your family were number 1 above that you can never be 50/50 shared parenting. It just means that it is advisable that the parenting schedule is phased to work towards that goal over months or years (depending on the age of the children).
Children may have a strong attachment to one parent as their primary caregiver to meet their needs of care not only physical needs such as changing nappies, bathing, feeding, taking to doctors’ appointments or helping with homework but emotional needs too such as problem solving, settling when upset, comforting or playing. If both parents were hands on caring for the children and the children have been left in the care of either parent for hours, overnight or weekends taking care of them alone, then the children have been used to parents being interchangeable for their care. A 50/50 shared parenting schedule may be suitable.
The age of the children can be a determinant of ongoing shared parenting BUT this all depends on whether both parents were hands on fulfilling the needs of the child. Where both parents’ roles were interchangeable with their young children it still would be advisable to not have the child away from either parent for too many consecutive nights. For example, young children may be suited to no more than 2 nights away from either parent whereby a schedule of 2,2,2,1 each week, whereby you could work up to a 3,4,4,3 fortnightly parenting schedule over time. Older children may struggle with too much swapping houses and opt for one week on and one week off.
The desire for 50/50 shared care should not enforce children into daycare if the other parent is available and able to take care of the children. This situation is putting the parent wanting the children 50/50 before the children’s needs. Children can be picked up from the daytime carer at the end of the day for overnight care, just as they would from daycare. Parents should always assess the impact on the children first, rather than the impact on themselves.
Children need both their parents to help them transition and adjust to the new family structure in two loving homes. It should not become a competition or a battle to ‘win” time with children. Coparenting conflict can have devastating impacts on the children’s emotional well-being. Children require structure and routine, so it is important to ensure that coparenting does not become chaotic and constantly changing. Letting children know what the parenting schedule is will enable them to feel secure that arrangements are in place for them. Notifying them on the day of changeover that they are going to the other parent’s house can create anxiety, so it is important to advise them the day before and encourage them with positive language of fun things they use to do with the other parent.
Sometimes a child may be reluctant to leave a parent, and this can often be because they don’t want to leave that parent on their own. That parent may be becoming sad that their child is leaving them inadvertently creating feelings of guilt in the child or the child may be feeling unsettled with all the changes occurring. If parents feel sad or stressed, embark on self-care to bring about calm and relaxation prior to changeover. This not only helps the child feel calm during changeover but reduces tension between coparents to minimise any conflict. If children are distraught at changeover, it may require a contactless pickup or drop off to daycare or school to reduce separation anxiety. If a child is refusing to go to a parent’s home with contactless pickup, then this may be a more serious situation requiring a child counsellor to be engaged to gain an understanding of the underlying cause of distress.
Separation is a difficult time for the whole family but as parents it is our responsibility to help our children through this change. Children need parents to provide a child focused separation, not a separation focused childhood. Initiating parenting mediation to agree on a parenting plan can enable your children to thrive in two loving homes.
Author – Cheryl Duffy - Divorce Coach, Conflicted Coach, NMAS Mediator, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Parenting Coordinator - Simple Separation.
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