Children are often the collateral damage during separation and divorce, at the mercy of their parents’ decision to separate or one parent deciding to leave. It is a very traumatic time for the whole family, especially the children.
Pre-separation, children have a routine of care that makes them feel safe and secure. The day-to-day care enables their basic needs to be met. If their care is thrown into chaos creating uncertainty, changes suddenly or is disputed creating conflict, this can create significant stress and anxiety for the child which can have long term effects on their emotional wellbeing.
Many parents go into battle to negotiate time with the children which creates a tug of war to determine a winner of the ultimate prize …. the children! Each parent declares they have rights whereby the family law act outlines children are the ones with rights and the parents have responsibilities for their children.
Most parents don’t intentionally want to harm their children, but when parents are distraught and hurt, they can in turn hurt their children.
So, what are the best interests of the children according to the Family Law Act for parents to consider when planning for their children –
what arrangements would promote the safety of your child, and each person who has care of the child, including safety from being subjected or exposed to family violence, abuse, neglect or other harm
any views expressed by your child about parenting arrangements
the age of the child which is very important in deciding what arrangements will work establishing a regular routine, so the child knows the routine and what to expect when, but also being flexible when required
giving plenty of notice if you wish to change the routine, for example, for special family occasions
how their time will be spent with other significant persons in their lives, such as grandparents and other relatives
who will look after them after school and where will they spend holidays
any other things such as choice of school, health care, sport, or religious matters, and
how to ensure the child continues to enjoy their culture.
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I personally feel that the children’s life should be spared from the battle to significantly change the care they have been used to. Their care should be maintained and transform over time so that the children are not traumatised.
Let’s face it, if you bought half share of a business, would you on day one decide you are going to change how it is run? You takeover managing accounts, sales or customer service? No, you wouldn’t, you would continue business as usual so as not to disrupt and cause damage to the business! You would make a plan overtime to transition to the new business model, so it is seamless.
So why would you disrupt your child’s routine because you feel it is half your right to do so? When the family structure is changing, it is important to minimise change, so children feel secure. It is not to say that you can’t ever share the care, but it needs to be a transition and an adjustment that is smooth for your child, rather than creating anxiety and stress. If you both shared the care pre-separation, then your children were already use to parents being interchangeable.
So, if you look at what care your child was used to pre-separation, this will give you a good starting point to create your parenting plan. Capture a view of how the daily care occurs pre-separation to help map out a parenting plan that will provide structure and consistency.
I have seen families where a young child 18mths old whose mum worked in hospitality and the father worked business hours. The father looked after the child whilst the mum worked evenings and weekend shifts. Their child was use to parents being interchangeable in providing care. Each parent would feed, dress, put to bed, settle child when distressed, etc
Where families have a primary carer and primary financial provider then the children may be used to one parent providing the care BUT maybe the financial provider also was hands on and interchangeable in providing care when at home.
The video below shows daily routines which are colour coded by who might perform those functions based on two examples where there may be a stay-at-home primary carer versus a two-parent working family. Some activities may have one parent providing or the activity may be shared when either parent is available.
If your pre-separation parenting wasn’t shared, then you might agree to have a phased parenting schedule to help the children transition and adjust to the new family structure over time. This will enable the children to maintain their relationship with each parent and increase time gradually.
Watch the video here and reflect on your pre-separation parenting before negotiating post separation parenting.
Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce & Conflict Coach, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, NMAS Mediator & Parenting Coordinator.
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